The Barbie Page
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Mall of Georgia and Lenox Square. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Courvoisier and a cookie cutter $1,000,000.00 McMansion just outside the 'Perimeter'. Available with or without tummy tuck, face-lift, and vaginal rejuvenation. Substantial breast work included. Workaholic Ken sold separately. Order early: this model is often caught in traffic.
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with sunscreen, lip balm and has a stylish Toyota van and a matching pink and gray gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Has collagen enhanced lips. Traffic jamming blackberry phone, texting Ipod, and twin rear-seat DVD players sold separately.
*Times Square Barbie*
This recently paroled working-girl Barbie is available only after dark and must be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. She has extensive body art and piercings which can be a bit dangerous for the inexperienced doll aficionado. Available separately, Ken has a fuchsia colored panama hat. Caution is recommended for the inexperienced doll owner. Medical consultation after heavy play is recommended.
*The Hamptons Barbie*
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW, Volvo, or Audi G5. Included are her Starbucks cup, American Express card and Roycroft membership. The Ken version has matching corn-row hairstyle. Artistic Ken comes with a potter's wheel, wind chimes, and watercolor painting accessories but no visible means of support. Hamptons Barbie and Artistic Ken frequently attend parties held by friends and relatives. Both have fill-able Valium prescriptions.
*North Georgia Barbie*
This Caucasian model comes dressed in her own boot-length Wrangler jeans (two sizes too small), a Hooters t-shirt and a "God Bless My Daddy" tattoo. She comes complete with a six-pack of Budweiser long necks and a Dwight Yoakum CD set. She can spit over 5 feet, handle a 12 gauge shotgun and kick that mullet-haired Ken's butt after she throws back a couple of beers. Purchase her powder blue Chevy pickup truck separately and get a "South Will Rise Again" bumper sticker absolutely free. Charlie Daniels tickets optional.
*Los Angeles Barbie*
This botox injected, rhino plasty Barbie wears a skin-tight leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription is available upon request from Doctor Kenneth. Specific bust sizes are available. Interchangeable implants on special order only. Ken doll can be seen doing the Neighbor Barbie or Neighbor Ken. The Interstate 5 shipping option is available only for Christmas orders. You must purchase before July 1 to insure holiday delivery.
This chain-smoking, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she and her sister chased beer-gutted Ken out of Neighbor Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, acrylic fingernails, a Buffalo Bills sweatshirt, and a semi-see-through black mesh halter-top. The special “Cheektowaga” edition comes with a mobile home, in-ground swimming pool, and multiple pink flamingo yard art. The baby is a recent addition and looks like the mailman. Bowling ball and bag available.
*Solar-Power Go-Green Barbie*
This totally vegetarian doll is made of recycled tofu packaging. She has multi-colored dreadlocks, unshaved armpits, no makeup and is riding a battery-powered Vespa. Her entire wardrobe is made of organically grown hand-woven hemp. Purchase Barbie's new 'Obama The Man' t-shirt and get a free copy of Al Gore's book "How I Invented The Internet", and an on-line chat with Barbra Streisand. She is wearing chic sandals made of jute and this model uses no toilet tissue whatsoever. Shipping by wind-powered mopeds extra.
*South Jersey Welfare Barbie*
This Barbie comes with a stroller and infant doll. Ken is available, but difficult to locate since the addition of the infant. Includes fully loaded EBT card and day-care certificate. Buy the 'Barbie Bus' and a ticket back to Tijuana is included. Fence-climbing gear available along with night-vision glasses. Complete with voter-registration cards in Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean and Russian languages. "How to Survive the Arizona Desert" handbook is in Spanish.
This model comes with a gold-tone crucifix necklace, choir robe, collection plate, a Bible, and is automated. With white ankle socks, pink tennis shoes, polka-dot poodle skirt and white button-up blouse. Pull the string and she raises her right hand and praises the Lord.
“Sarah for President” lapel button included.
in four styles:
Baptist, Southern Baptist, Bible Belt Baptist, Almost Baptist, Not-Quite Baptist, Jehovah's Witness, African-Methodist-Episcopal, and Urban Storefront. Check for Availability: Mormon and Scientology.
*San Francisco Barbie/Ken*
versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or
subtracting the multiple "snap-on" and "strap-on" and/or
removable parts. Comes with Unisex wardrobe for complete change-overs. Comes with your choice of CD: Ani DiFranco
Large", kd lang's "summertime", Elton John "Live At Albert
Hall", or "Medley of Show Tunes" by Times Square Cover Band.
Does not understand why the
oil level in the family vehicle is critical, but
knows what flavor homemade liquor to serve with lutefisk or lefse. T-shirt says:
“In my country, I’m normal.” The Norwegian model comes with a
pink Smart Car.
The Norwegian model comes with a pink Smart Car.
doll gets visibly upset when you remind her that she once fit into size 2 jeans.
Has a Volvo with bumper stickers “I’m
Northern European And Taking Medication For It” and “Eat The Whales: Stop
modern day trailer-home doll is available with a double-wide and a bow window.
She comes with 8 children, none showing any resemblance to each other. She comes
complete with light blue toilet, often her favorite seat after Saturday nights
out. Both she
and her current live-in Ken-Ray raise caged possum in the back yard for holiday
meals and family gatherings. As soon as Ken-Ray gets the transmission back in
the 1974 Chevy van that's up on cinder
blocks, they want to take a road trip to the Huntsville Federal Penitentiary to
visit her Mom. This doll comes with quite
a bit of baggage, none of it matching.
*Twisted Sister Barbies*
Double your fun with a pair of drunk dolls. These wasted wenches come with a scale bottle of Bacardi Black, spent condoms, realistic vinyl vomit, torn skirts, ripped stockings and knotted hair. Clean underwear, the morning after pill and disposable wipes are available at additional charge. The matching Ken doll was last seen leaving the state. It has been rumored that a cash reward for his return is being considered by local authorities.